2013: Reflection of Things a Long Time Coming

It’s been a while, I thought it was time to give an update.  I always say I will be better at updating this thing but as usual I have not been on top of things.  I could make the argument that part of the reason is that I have been a little busy (in a great way!) with my new job.  But really, I have had a lot going on and a lot on my mind and simply haven’t taken the time to sit down and type anything out.  So here goes nothing.

It’s the end of the year, which means that I am in my usual pensive, analytic mindframe and thinking about how the year has gone.  There have been definite highs, and looking back, I also realize the extent of my definite lows.  The biggest, most exciting news of 2013 is my new status as Full Time Employee.  I started at Institute for Human Development on July 22, and I could not be happier with the way that things are going.  The work is interesting.  I am learning a lot not only about the projects and products that we are working on, but I am developing new skills, trying new things, and embracing this new, predictable, full time schedule.  And I LOVE it!  My coworkers are fantastic.  I fit right in with everybody.  I am comfortable asking them for advice about work things and about personal stuff that I am just trying to figure out.  I am happier with my day-to-day than I have been in a LONG time and I am excited to go to work in the morning.

They say hindsight is 20/20, and because I am in such a stable place (which I don’t think I have ever had being a student, waiting tables, or working retail), I keep comparing how I feel now to the way I felt in the nearly year and half between the time I graduated in May 2012 and the time I started working here.  I thought I was dealing with the un/under employment thing pretty well.  I tried to keep a level head and stay hopeful, but before I got the call about this job in July I was a hot mess.  I will go as far as to say that I was depressed.  I have never felt so helpless to make things happen in my own life as I did when I was sending out my hundreds of resumes/applications and getting rejection after rejection.  It is crazy to me that I was that low and wasn’t able to really see it until after I got out of that place.  It was the worst of times before it was the best of times…But honestly, I still think these times can be better, and I am trying to look ahead to what else I can change.

Now that my day-to-day is so stable (and amazing), I am coming to the realization that I still want more.  In the last couple of weeks in particular, I have been SUPER antsy and restless.  I obviously I understand that I have to get up and go to work everyday if I want to get paid for working, but I really do enjoy my job.  My recent revelation is that honestly, I am really just happy to have a good legitimate excuse to get out of the house every day.  I am physically uncomfortable hanging out at my own house.  Maybe it’s because I spent so much time there when I was only working 12 hours a week at Old Navy and jobsearching.  But, and this is some new, deep thinking on my part, maybe I’m uncomfortable because I don’t have any sense of ownership at home.  I come to work, I am responsible for getting my projects done, working 40 hours a week, keeping on task, and I am held accountable for all of those things.  But my house is still my parents’ house.  My parents pay the bills and buy the groceries.  My mom still fixes dinner and asks when I will be home.  My bedroom hasn’t been redone since I was in high school.  I don’t own any part of that.  Could I take ownership of some of that?  Yes, but if it hasn’t happened yet, and at this point I don’t know that it will do much good.  Don’t get me wrong.  I LOVE my parents, and I am SO appreciative that they are letting me stay at home until I can get onto my feet.  But I have changed and the house has not.  I’ve got my own shit to worry about.  I want to worry about my own shit.  And I am increasingly aware that my adult status has not really changed the way my parents and I interact with each other on a daily basis while I am still living under their roof.

So this is where my hopes for 2014 come into play.  I am going to move to my own place.  I just need to jump in and do it, and my goal is to at least have papers signed by my birthday.  I NEED to have my own space that I can make my own.  I need to figure out a lot of things and I have kind of been feeling stuck in the traditional parent-child relationship that really has been difficult to grow out of while I am still living at home.  I want to get out of this parent-child mentality and get to a place where my parents and I can be honest with each other and really be adults together rather than keeping them in a place where they feel obligated to care for me.  Sure, I still have credit card bills and loans, sure I don’t have a lot of extra money to spend on getting really good furniture right away, sure I may have to live with hand-me-down dishes and silverware, but I want so badly to take control of every aspect of my life.  And even if it’s difficult, even if it’s a difficult “empty nest” transition for my parents, even if I have to pinch pennies until I pay off some of my debts, even if it is harder than I am anticipating, I seriously need this.  For my sanity mostly.  And probably for my parents’ sanity too.  It is the strangest thing being more comfortable at work than I am at home.  And it is weird to actually be saying this out loud.  But I am almost 28 years old, it this has been a long time coming.  The great apartment hunt starts in January.  And I am ready.

There is so much more that I can say about these things, and so many other things that I have been trying to figure out (related to boys mostly), but for now I will leave this reflection at that.  Things in my life are finally becoming stable.  Now it’t time for me to write another section in this chapter of my life.  Cheers to 2014!

Apprehensive? or Aggressive!

I am having a pensive day.  As per usual this means that there is a lot on my mind and I am trying to figure out what it all means.  Related to my last entry, and considering the guy I saw a concert with last night, I thought I would type it out and see if I can solve any of the world’s problems.  Here goes nothing…

This is what I am starting to realize.  I have talked before about the changes I have seen in myself.  When I was younger, I will go on a limb to say that I was afraid of everything.  When I was in kindergarten and into wearing my frilly, flowery dresses and patent leather shoes, I was afraid of getting dirty.  When I started youth group in middle school I was afraid of not fitting in.  When I started college, I was afraid to be in a situation where I was forced to meet new people and to start a new routine.  I of course also had the usual fears that people think about: fear of heights, the dark, people in strange costumes, etc.  But there are also persistent, significant fears that I have had for a long time too.  I was afraid of failure, afraid of getting in trouble, afraid of rejection, afraid of looking like an idiot in any given situation, and that list also goes on.  I think what it boils down to is that I have always been afraid of unknowns.

In the last few years this has been changing for me.  I am excited that my entire life is not planned out.  I am excited about having possibilities.  I am excited to try new things (music, food, etc).  I am excited to meet new people and at the prospect of developing new relationships.  And now I am excited to learn through failure because that means I have actually developed meaningful chances to make my own decisions.  I don’t think I could have said this 6 or 7 years ago. My frustration revolves around the fact that despite the appearance that I am more confident now than I have ever been, despite the appearance that I am feeling better now than I have in a long time, despite the appearance that I know what a great catch I can be, that shy, apprehensive, timid, scared little girl is still lurking under my skin.

This is what is tripping me up with the guy I was talking about the other day.  I REALLY like him.  I REALLY want to spend time with him.  I REALLY want to find out if he feels the same way about me too, but the truth is I am apprehensive.  I am nervous.  I am afraid.  I am afraid that I will sound like “that girl” who is annoyingly obsessed with the boy of the month (ie “what are you doing now?  Do you want to hang out now?  Will you text me back now?  Can I call you now?  Will you tell me you love me now?”).  I do not want to be “that girl” who goes to that extreme, but in the process of avoiding “that girl” I have settled for being the wallflower who stands in the corner and waits for the boy to talk to her at the dance.  I am excited that I have the opportunity to spend time with a nice guy, but I am afraid if I really put my heart on my sleeve, things may not go the way I want them to.

I really need to get over this apprehensive shit.  It is not doing anybody any favors, and it is not helping me figure out how this guy feels about me.  So far I have been trying to be subtle.  Instead of saying “I would really love it if we could hang out tonight.” I say something like “My plans for the evening didn’t pan out so I’m flipping through channels, what are you up to?”  Subtext (in my head anyway) is I AM FREE AND AVAILABLE, I REALLY WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU!!  I have talked with several girlfriends about this (and now it occurs to me that maybe I need to reach out to some of my male friends for additional insight because I really have no clue what I’m doing here…) and the consensus is that it would probably be too much to start a conversation with this guy by saying “Ok, listen, I really like you, so what the hell are we doing here?  Is this going anywhere?”  So maybe I shouldn’t lay down the law, but how am I supposed to get over all of this nervousness to really tell him how I feel?  Is there a happy medium between too nervous and too aggressive?

The whole point of this entry is to say that I am confident in myself, but I am not quite sure what to do with that yet because I am nervous about where that might lead.  I know who I am when I am by myself, but I don’t know what that means out in the world.  Is it possible to quiet the apprehensive little girl I used to be and to fully embrace the confident woman I am becoming so I can finally get away from the wall and start dancing?

Musical Maiden

As promised, I am posting sooner than later.  I’m hoping to keep up the momentum, things are seriously going well right now and I feel like I should write (or type as the case may be) it out for posterity…or something.

Anyway, lately I have been feeling very musical.  To some of you this is not big news.  I am always getting songs stuck in my head, I am always singing to myself in the shower, I am always busting out my (limited) knowledge of song lyrics with musical tourrets at the loudest, most recognizable part of songs that come on the radio.  But lately I have been actively seeking out new music.  I have often gotten stuck on the things that I know.  I have been in an old school, good ole days mood with music for a long time.  I know all of the lyrics to the songs by bands like NSync, Spice Girls, etc that I listened to in middle school and high school and I have quite a collection of 90s stuff on my iPod.  And of course there is the long-standing classic rock phase.  But for the most part I have been sticking to the songs and bands that I know and listening to the same 5 or so CDs that I really like…Until recently.

I have blogged before about how I have been going to a lot of concerts.  I have seen Sugar Ray, Eve 6, Saving Abel, and Buckcherry to name a few for free at Power and Light in Kansas City.  I also went to the Imagine Dragons concert at Starlight a while ago.  I am really enjoying live music.  But lately, like I said, I have actively been seeking out new music on the radio too.  I am listening to the radio in the car instead of just my CDs.  I am so invested in seeking new music that I started keeping a pad of paper in the car to write down cool bands I hear on the radio so I can remember to look them up later.  At my job, I have been doing a lot of work at my desk, so I look up the bands on grooveshark.com and play them while I’m working.  It has been really fun to actually listen to a lot of these bands that I have heard of but that I haven’t actually listened to much before.

But there is more to this musical story believe it or not.  I noticed a few weeks ago that I am even doodling more on the piano than I have in a long time.  I haven’t really just sat down on the piano bench and gone through songbooks or played the repertoire of songs that I have memorized in months, maybe even a year.  But I have been practicing and playing around on the piano lately and putting those lessons to good use again.  I noticed that all of these changes, all of this interest in new music has happened in conjunction with my new job.  I have been really down about being unemployed and underemployed.  More down than I have ever admitted out loud.  And I had no idea how deeply this feeling of frustration and defeat has affected every aspect of my life.  But now that I have a job that I really like, now that I don’t have to be stressed out about applying for full time jobs anymore, now that I am starting to feel a little more stable in embracing my circumstances, I just want to eat it up.

I feel good, so I am motivated to try new things.  Things are changing for me in a good way, and I want to embrace the change and add some new to the mix: a bunch of new bands, a bunch of new experience to go with the new opportunities that I have going on right now.  It’s almost like I am kind of letting go of the “good ole days” of 90s music that I have clung to since I was younger and I am seeking ways to change the things I am invested in as the circumstances around me are changing.  It is kind of exciting!  I can’t remember the last time I was in this good of a place with things, but I can tell you that as I grow into my new role as full-time employed professional I will come out on the other end with a kick ass musical soundtrack to push me through.

Settling In

Ok, here I am, having all of these awesome life moments, thinking all of these thoughtful thoughts about how I am moving forward and generally feeling better, and I haven’t blogged in two weeks!  What is that about?  Before I got my job, I felt like all I had to talk about was the fact that I didn’t have a job.  Now that I am settling into my full time working girl schedule I am experiencing all kinds of interesting moments and I haven’t been talking about it, how weird is that?

Anyway, let’s start small and I will work to blog more frequently to get at all of these great feelings I am having.  On the job front, I am REALLY enjoying it!  The people are great (which is something that I pay attention to.  I had several interviews where I knew from the get-go that I wouldn’t fit in or want to work there.  But seriously, my new coworkers are awesome)!  Apparently my coworkers have been planning a “team retreat” since before I started working there.  By “team retreat” I gather that they really mean “Hey, we have a pontoon boat, let’s hang out on the lake for an evening.”  They are playing it like a team building activity, but really I think they just want to get together outside of work to hang out and relax.  This may mean tomorrow can be a short day at the office….We’ll see what happens there…But seriously, I couldn’t ask for a better group of coworkers, who are nice to me, put up with my silly questions, make lunch to share with the whole office, show me the ropes, and keep me entertained when I need to step away from my desk for a few minutes.

One thing that I am still getting used to is working for 8 hours a day, 5 days in a row.  That is a lot of time to get things done!  And right now there are not any major deadlines or big things that my team is getting ready for (that I know of anyway) so my tasks are “hey do this and let me know when you’re done.”  I have things to do, but there hasn’t been a lot of structure regarding when those things get done.  I realized that this is a contrast to the way I have been trained to work in food service and retail.  At Uno for example, I knew exactly what I had to do during my entire shift,  I took care of the people in my section, checked in on them, brought them their food, bussed tables, moved at a fast pace, and kept busy.  At Old Navy, I usually worked 4 to 4 and a half hours at a time, and I knew that I had only that amount of time to clean up a particular section or keep up with the clothes in the fitting room.  I had my task and I completed it as asked.  Now, I have all day to work on my tasks.  I am totally the newbie and I think I am getting some of the time consuming tasks like formatting things for consistency or googling things and comparing features, but seriously 8 hours is a long time!  And I really like that the atmosphere relaxed in the office too.  We don’t have to clock in or out, we don’t have a defined amount of time for lunch (though usually people eat and work).  Sometimes one of my coworkers will want to take a break and just come sit and talk with me.  Several days a coworker or two made a coffee run or gone to pick up lunch for everyone (I actually like tagging along on the field trips), and that is totally fine as long as your work gets done.  There is a lot of wiggle room which is something that I am still trying to get used to.

After three weeks, work is starting to feel homey.  I have a routine, I’m getting more and more comfortable with my coworkers, I am learning a lot not only about the work that Institute for Human Development does, but about the way I work and the way that I navigate through this new big-girl environment.  I enjoy my job.  And I am generally feeling really great.  This has been a long time coming, and I am so glad to be settling in to a new job and not hunkering down for another month of job searching.  I am finally starting to feel like a grown up, and it feels awesome!

 

Blogs to come:

Musical Maiden

Foodie Frenzy

Nervous Nancy

(See, told ya I have a lot to talk about!  And apparently I feel like using alliteration too!  So there you have it!)

My Life Is Changing, But Am I?

Two days on the job, and I am not entirely sure exactly what I am getting into…But I know I am going to like it!  This week is interesting because my direct supervisor and half of the office are at a conference in Columbia.  My first day on the job was an unconventional one.  I woke up at the asscrack of dawn and was at the office by 6am.  From the office I rode to Columbia with one of my new coworkers (who is my age and who I  am really starting to get along with).  We got to the conference where we organized the registration table, handed out nametags and books, ate lunch (free to me which is always good), sat around for a few hours, and by 2:30 we were on the way back to KC.  It was an eventful, and yet uneventful first day, and I can’t complain.

Today was a more traditional office day for me, but like I said half of the office is at this conference so there really wasn’t much going on.  Without my supervisor around, there were only a couple of things I really had to do.  My coworker went over some of the HR stuff with me, I got a thorough tour of the facilities (now I know where the chocolates are kept. Very important), and my supervisor emailed me a couple of piddly things to work on for the rest of the afternoon.  There was a little bit more instruction and a good deal of new information about how things are going to work, but I was mostly done by 3:30.  Another short day.  I have no idea what life at the office will be like once everyone is back from the conference on Thursday, and I have no idea what a “normal” week at the office will look like, but I think this soft transition into full time working life.  I talked about this last time, and I am realizing that it is still true: I am really excited about all of these unknowns and I am ready to face them head on.

Here is my interesting revelation for the day.  Working full time is a completely new adventure for me.  I have had a college student lifestyle since I started college nearly 9 years ago (holy crap that makes me feel old!!).  After being unemployed and underemployed since graduating with my Masters degree, I know that this job is a complete game changer for me.  My schedule, my responsibilities, my paycheck, my reality are all going to change…My life is about to be completely different than it has ever been before.  Moving out of the parents’ house can be an actual viable possibility, taking care of my debt, actually having some fun money, all of these things that I have been hoping for for so long will actually happen sooner than later and I LIKE it!  I have told myself for a while now that once all of these things fall into place, I want to embrace the change.  I can afford a gym membership with my salary, I should use it.  I have been talking about eating better, losing weight, paying attention to myself for once instead of stressing out about all of the things in my life that have been going wrong.  I have been complaining about not having anything to do, so while I’m keeping busy with work and embracing this working lifestyle, why don’t I get off my ass and do something?

Tonight is a perfect example of what I am talking about.  In my head I want to stay busy.  In my head, with a full time job I no longer have to worry about whether or not I can afford to put a full tank of gas in my car, so maybe I should spend a little bit more time trying to improve the things I know I should be working on for myself.  Tonight, though,  I got stuck in the same ole web of twiddling me thumbs.  My parents went to the pool this evening.  I could have gone with them, I could have gotten some exercise, I could have gotten away from the tv, but instead I divided my time between sitting on the couch and lounging on my bed.  And I got pissed at myself about it.  I was home by 4:30 today.  That’s PLENTY of time to go for a swim or a walk before dark.  That’s plenty of time to do something productive around the house.  That’s plenty of time to put my money where my life is and embrace the change of this new lifestyle I envision for myself.  But apparently old habits die hard.  My life is changing but today I felt like a stick in the mud the minute I got back to my house.

All of this being said, it is only my second day of work.  Am I overreacting? I still have a lot of learning to do on the job and at home as these changes officially start kicking in.  I guess my point in rambling on about all of this is to say that I have realized that my life is starting to move in the right direction (or at least in a direction that I feel good about), I just didn’t take into consideration the fact that I might have to change a few things about myself to keep up.

Faith

What is is about being by myself that makes me so pensive?  I am housesitting for a week and have a big house to myself and a couple of dogs.  Without the distractions of other people, without a lot going on, I have of course been doing a lot of thinking.  I went to Sunday school this morning and the lesson really hit a chord with me.  I have been talking about the loaded issue of my own religious beliefs and today I have even more to think about.

I have been focusing on my faith.  Faith in God, faith in other people.  Today in Sunday school we talked about Jesus’ disciples.  Jesus chose his disciples not because they were the best of the best, not because they were already on a path of discipleship, not because they were the religious elite, but He chose them because they were the everyman.  Jesus chose his disciples because he had faith in them. He had faith that they could help tell his stories and carry on his Word.   He had believed that despite their mistakes, despite their less than starry reputations, despite their shortcomings, He could still depend on them to have faith in Him and to live worthy lives.  We brought up the story about Jesus walking on the water.  Jesus walked across the lake toward the boat and asked one of the disciples to walk across the water toward him, and he did…until he looked around and noticed the choppy water, the wind, the rough conditions and then the disciple began to sink and cried out to Jesus “Please save me!”  Jesus pulled him up.  So why did the disciple begin to sink?  Because he lost faith.  Not faith in Jesus, but he began to lose faith in himself.  He didn’t think he was capable of walking across the water under those difficult circumstances.  The lesson here was that Jesus had faith in his disciples. He never lost it.  God has faith in each of us.  He can never lose it.  We just need to trust in the  faith that has been bestowed on us and allow it to translate into faith in ourselves that we are capable of living worthy lives.

This struck me for two reasons.  First, I realized that I have lost a little bit of  faith in myself.  This last year since finishing my masters degree has been personally difficult to say the least.  I have been more down about everything than I have ever admitted out loud.  I have been frustrated and depressed and sad that things are not turning out the way I want them to and I can’t help but take that a little personally.  What am I doing wrong?  What do I need to have that I don’t?  Why can’t I just get a freakin job already?  I have been so focused on my crappy circumstances that I have lost sight of the fact that I need to believe that I can actually get out of them.  With literally hundreds of resumes/applications/cover letters sent out and with a huge handful of rejections, I sometimes have trouble believing that I can find a place where I will be happy.  I am the disciple sinking in the water, losing faith that I can walk across it.  I am looking around at the choppy water and crappy circumstances and wondering if it is actually possible to stand up and make it to my destination.  I need to find a way to regain that faith in myself and work up the gumption to make change happen.

The second reason that I connected with this message, and this is the bigger of the two, is the piece about God having faith in us.  Even when we are down, even when we fall, even when we don’t think we can operate under tough circumstances, God has faith in us that we can carry on.  Now I said it before, I am kind of struggling with my personal relationship with God.  Do I believe in God?  I think I want to.  But people have become a greater, more reachable aspect of my life that I have clung to, and I have lost sight of the fact that there are people in my life that have faith in me too.  People who will support me.  People who will listen to me and offer advice and pull for me wherever I end up.  I need to be reminded of that once in a while.  I wrote a while ago about about how I have developed this habit of isolating myself when I am feeling down.  But  it is these times when I am the most vulnerable when I need people the most.  I didn’t put much thought into exactly why that is.  Honestly, I need to surround myself with good people, good people who have faith in me.  People who can lift me up by believing that I am capable even when I don’t think that I am.

Faith is about more than following blindly.  Faith is about believing.  It is about being lifted up from within yourself and being lifted up by other people.  The Sunday school lesson today reminded me that no matter what I’m doing, or what I am struggling to believe, God has unwavering faith in me.  And so do the people that I have chosen to be a part of my life.

Gospel Lounge

I have been wanting to update for a while, but as per usual I have been distracted.  I couldn’t tell you what I’ve been doing, but I know it hasn’t been much exciting.  Anyway, I thought I’d piggyback off my last entry.  I had a VERY interesting experience that has really made me think about  my “faith journey” and recent worship woes.

So last time I mentioned that I have having trouble getting on board with worship.  I have become uncomfortable at the idea of letting my guard down and getting into our contemporary worship service at my church.  Week before last, a friend of mine asked me if I was free on Wednesday to go to church at a bar.  Naturally this was a very intriguing request, and I happened to be free so I said yes.  There is a pastor and his wife who have developed a ministry to cater to people who work in the service industry, those people who work late on the weekends and probably won’t make it to church by 8am on Sunday mornings.  They have a Gospel Lounge service at Knuckleheads bar every Wednesday night.  My friend explained it as “church for the unchurched.”  Apparently her dad has been attending these Wednesday night services and was playing with the band that night.  I tagged along, and I have to say that it was pretty cool!  The pastor plays the guitar, and they literally had a 45 minute jam session, then the pastor’s wife gave a brief message about how she has weathered many storms by relying on her faith and her relationship with God.  Then they played a few more songs and the worship part was finished.  After the message, My friend’s dad’s band played for about an hour and the evening was over.

This experience was amazing to me for several reasons.  First of all, before the service began, I feel like my friend and I had a really honest, real conversation about life and things.  I felt like she was telling me things that she had been wrapping her head around  for a long time, and I was overwhelmed to think that she was ready to be so honest about everything, let alone that she was ready to open up to  me.   I have been craving real, honest interactions like that for a long time, but what about that particular Wednesday night made it so meaningful to me?  We got a little emotional because we are both in similar places right now (and honestly, based on several conversations with several friends, we are not alone).  I don’t know what I expected 27 to look like, but this sure ain’t it.  What is it about church that makes us open up?  This wasn’t even at a church building, it was in a bar!  Why was this particular service in this particular bar such as liberating place to contemplate life?

Secondly, I enjoyed the service.  I tend to like the jam session, blues house kind of vibe, and it was cool to see these guys get up and play their instruments, wing it, and have a good time.  What’s more, the message was meaningful without being pushy.  I realized that one of my critiques of a lot of religious practices is that they tend to be pushy.  This is what you should believe, this is the scripture you should read, this is the interpretation you should follow.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that people who go to worship are wrong or warped or less-than for  following these principles, but for me, it puts me off.  I just want to figure it out for myself.  The message at Knuckleheads was very personal.  The pastor’s wife talked about how she had been through many storms in life, she had been diagnosed with cancer, she had a lot of family trouble, but it was her relationship with God and her faith that got her through it.  That was her experience and it felt like she wanted that experience to speak to the people in the bar that night.  She didn’t say that we should all have the same relationship, she said that she hoped that we could find that same peace during our storms.  The end.  It was short and sweet and it resonated with me more than a lot of the sermons that I’ve heard.

So big picture, what does this mean for me?  I clearly gravitate toward and pay attention to lessons that I can learn on my own.  I don’t like being told what to do, I want to figure it out for myself.  I have learned more about life and about myself in small, personal gatherings than I ever did in a big group or at a church service.  I like to mull things over, I like to take them home and think about it, I like to hear what your experience has been and see if I can relate on a personal level.  This may sound harsh, but I don’t care what the scripture says, I don’t care where you go the sermon, I care about how you have experienced God in your life and I want you to be honest with me.  Then I will think about your experience and try to apply it.

So there you have it. I know what is important when it comes to religious experiences.  So what does this mean for Sunday mornings?  I don’t know yet…

Worship Woes/Fellowship Frenzy

Switching gears, I thought I’d talk about an interesting experience I’ve had over the last few Sundays.  I was born and raised in the  United Methodist Church.  I  have been in Sunday school, youth group, youth choir, I went to church camp, I worked in the church nursery from the time I was a teenager, I eat dinner at church on Wednesday nights to support the youth group, I have helped with Vacation Bible School, and now I am on the new Communications Committee.  As with any young adult, my commitment has been dodgy at times.  I have been trying to get involved again, but not for the conventional reasons that I assume people decide to go back to church.   The fact is, recently I have been actively seeking out opportunities to be around people and to have engage in fellowship activities to make myself feel better.  The last year in particular, mostly because of all of my jobsearch troubles, has been really rough for me.  I have been down, lonely, and in need of good excuses to be around people so that I’m not by myself in my own head overanalyzing all of my difficulties.  My parents are actively involved at our church and it was a logical decision to piggyback on them for opportunities to socialize with people.  I go to their Sunday school class most Sunday mornings lately and I sit with them at dinner on Wednesday nights, not because I am trying to develop a new leg in my “faith journey,” (which is a phrase that I don’t understand, but that’s a whole different entry) but because I am tired of being alone.  I am still trying to figure out how I feel about God, etc, but the truth is, people have become my religion.  Church is a great place to interact with nice people (many of whom know my parents and have known me since I was a baby).  Church is a good place to get a hug, a handshake, a smile, and that makes me feel better.

So, I have been trying to become involved, but I haven’t actually made an effort to sit in the congregation through an entire church service in a LONG time (literally years if you don’t count Christmas Eve services).  I stopped in our contemporary service last Sunday to see the program that our new Black Light ministry put on.  My mom has been working with some youth to choreograph sign language performances of worship songs where the performers wear white gloves and sign with black lights.  It is pretty cool.  Anyway, I was at the contemporary service just to watch this performance, which happened after the praise band sang a couple of songs.  I was in the back of the sanctuary for maybe 10 minutes of the service and I was SO uncomfortable!!  I was physically uncomfortable while the band was singing.  I felt outwardly awkward.  I didn’t know what to do, where to stand, I was uneasy about the idea of singing along.  I was watching the praise  band and the congregation get into the music, bob around a little bit, singing together (all of the things that I have always associated with attending church services), but I was completely turned off by the idea of doing those things myself.  It was the weirdest feeling I have ever experienced.

This week I participated in a silly little skit during our more traditional service.  It is a lot quieter, the church choir performs instead of the praise band, and to be honest it is attended by most of our older, more seasoned members.  I have to admit that liked the traditional worship better.  I was more comfortable, I didn’t feel awkward, there was a lot less movement during the hymns.  It was nice to see all of the families and individuals dressed in their Sunday best, greeting each other, being friendly, and I was so much more at ease than I had been the week before.  This got me thinking, What’s up with that?  Typically my age group (or so I’m told) seeks out more active, engaging, dynamic services.  So why was I so freaking afraid of it last Sunday?

I think it boils down several things for me personally (again, this could be a whole different entry so I’ll be brief).  First, I have never been the churchiest person, and I am not comfortable living a completely outwardly Christian lifestyle.  I got in the habit of going to church not because I chose to become a member and willingly “accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior,” but because that’s just how I was raised.  I went because I always went, and really never thought about the implications  making that commitment   When I got older, when I had the choice, when I could drive myself (or not), I really wasn’t affected either way if I did or did not go to church.  Second, like I said, people have become like my religion so I would MUCH rather have an interesting discussion about different subjects than sing hymns or read the bible.  I am open to discussion about anything and everything.  I would love to know what other people think about religion/the United Methodist Church, how others view their faith, how different faiths view things like heaven, worship, faithfulness  etc.  This may be because I realized that I do not have a concrete sense of what MY religious beliefs are.  Maybe I don’t want to sing the hymns because I don’t necessarily wholly believe what they are saying for myself.

So Am I a Christian?  Maybe?  I was born and raised into the United Methodist Church,  I was baptized as a baby, I got a bible in 3rd grade, I went through confirmation in 8th grade and became a member.  I did this because at my church that’s just the way they do things.  Was I “Saved?” No.  Did I make a conscious decision on my own accord to attend church and to become a Christian?  No.  I go to church because I have always gone to church.  I bring up these worship woes because it has really made me consider what I believe and what I don’t.  That is still a HUGE work in progress, but as of today, my bottom line is I NEED my church to fill the pit that has developed after a rough year.  I need to be around people who will lift me up, give me a hug, listen to my concerns and send good thoughts my way, I need to get out of the house and to interact with kind people who care about me.  Regardless of the subject matter of the sermon, my personal struggles with my religious beliefs, my discomfort at the prospect of outwardly singing for the Lord, I go to church for the fellowship.  I may not have a conventional relationship with my church, but it is a relationship that is important to me as I am trying to figure out my life and to grow as a person.

I’m Done Freaking Out, But I’m Definitely Still Thinking About It.

I feel like I have been rambling on so much about this silly boy situation!  This is because it is a completely foreign interaction to me and I have no freaking clue what I’m doing.  The boy situation is ongoing, but I feel like I should wrap things up so I can talk about other things until something really exciting happens.  You’re probably tired of hearing my inner dialogue about boys anyway! So here it goes.

Last weekend, we had a pseudo-date thing.  I say pseudo because it was very casual, nice, and relaxed.  He invited me to a movie and since I worked until 6 on Saturday night, he offered to fix dinner beforehand so we could eat before the show.  He offered to make dinner for me and invited me to the movies!!  I of course completely freaked out!  I have never been asked out to the movies before, no one has ever fixed me dinner before, I was completely crazy with nerves on Friday night when we made the plans and all day on Saturday.  But when I got to his apartment, he was so cool and collected, he has nice as ever,  all of those nerves went away and I relaxed and felt more like myself.  We went from his house to the movies, we each paid for our own tickets, and when we got back to his apartment he decided it call it a night because he had a lot going on on Sunday.  That’s my Saturday night in a nutshell.

Here is what I THINK is happening, and the reason why I say that the situation is ongoing.  Saturday night was not an earth-shattering, fireworks, butterflies in the stomach, sparks flying kind of date.  That is totally fine, it was a good movie with good company and I was happy to have somebody who lives relatively close to hang out with on the weekend.  I like to think that I can read people pretty well, that I am a pretty good gauge of character.  This guy seems to be really reserved.  He likes to know what he is getting into before he leaps in with both feet.  I THINK he was scoping out the situation just as much as I was.  I THINK he is having the same internal monologue  (well in my case it has kind of become external) about “I like you do you like me, what does this mean, what do we do…”  It is evident to me now that he had a clear set of “rules” for this pseudo date thing.  He did not invite me back into his apartment after the movie (which is again totally fine), we parted on pleasant terms, he texted me to make sure I made it home ok.  I seriously think he likes me, but we are both just too nervous to do anything outside of the neutral, friend zone at this point.  Me because I’ve never liked somebody like this before and I have NO clue what I’m doing, and him because he isn’t comfortable enough in this new territory with me yet.  But what makes this situation different than it has been with some of my other guy friends is that I definitely think that in time we could be more than friends.  We could have a dating relationship.  We’re not there yet, but I’m interested and invested in seeing if we can eventually be there.

So for now, I’m just going to go with the flow and follow his lead.  He makes it really easy to be myself which is awesome.  I’m going to keep talking to him, keep texting about random movies and tv shows, keep coming up with excuses to hang out, and hopefully the next time I write about this boy situation it will be to tell you that we have moved forward.  I’m not freaking out as much, the 14-year-old girl inside me is quieting down now that she knows that he makes it so easy to be comfortable around him.  But you can bet I’m definitely still thinking about the possibilities.

Do, Be, Do, Be, DO

To BE.  To exist in the world.  I think I have this part down.  I AM.  I have had a crazy journey to figure myself out.  My sense of self, and my understanding of it, has changed and morphed into something I didn’t anticipate.  Once I figured out who I AM, the last few years have proven that I am a completely different person than I was 5 years ago.  Shit, I am a different person than I was one year ago!  My 20’s have been this roller coaster ride of self-discovery that has brought me to the realization that the extent of my ability to exist in the world may change from year to year or month to month but I AM and always will BE.  I am confident, eager, caring, compassionate, giving, forgiving, worthwhile.  I am a good listener,  a good writer, a good friend.  This is how I exist in the world.  And I like that about myself.  I know who I am.  I have a lot to offer.  I have a lot to give.  I have a lot to contribute.  The problem is I’m not offering, giving, or contributing to anyone or anything.  And I think this is slowly killing me.

To DO. To move forward in the world.  I have been focusing so much on my jobsearch that I have neglected to focus on anything else.  And I need to do something else if for no other reason than I am trying to save my sanity.  I know who I am but I have been neglecting myself in the process of trying to find a place for my skills to be useful.  Slowly but surely I am realizing the importance of doing something right now, even if it’s not related to the end game.  I was asked to be a part of a new communications committee at my church.  We are charged with discussing ways to improve our communication as a church to current members and to the community so that we can grow.  I volunteered to be the secretary for the committee.  We are working on several projects and I kind of like it.  I have recently been volunteering for an organization that is getting ready for their annual dinner and symposium event that is one of their largest fundraisers.  I spent several hours last week and this week making phone calls and working on a powerpoint presentation.  I got out of the house, I met some new people, I went to the central business district downtown, and I kind of liked it.  Do you see the pattern?

All of my jobsearch woes aside, my biggest obstacle right now is that I feel stagnant.  Not only externally and professionally stagnant, but personally and internally stagnant.  I’m not going anywhere, I’m 27, single, living at home with the parents, sharing a bathroom with my brother, and I can’t see a definitive end to this cycle yet.  BUT, I am partially to blame for feeling this way.  My circumstances are crappy, but I’m not doing anything outside of those circumstances.  I know who/how I AM,  but knowing that and doing nothing with it is  a disservice to myself.  How can I continue to grow and learn if I don’t DO something to move forward?  I could find a place to volunteer for a few hours a week.  I could be more involved in Sunday School.  I could read a book!  I AM.  I EXIST.  Now it’s time for me to DO.  It’s time for me to move forward within and for myself.  Then, when the Universe finally gets the memo that I was serious when I sent out all of those resumes, I can jump right in, better, calmer, and more competent than I ever have been before.