To BE. To exist in the world. I think I have this part down. I AM. I have had a crazy journey to figure myself out. My sense of self, and my understanding of it, has changed and morphed into something I didn’t anticipate. Once I figured out who I AM, the last few years have proven that I am a completely different person than I was 5 years ago. Shit, I am a different person than I was one year ago! My 20’s have been this roller coaster ride of self-discovery that has brought me to the realization that the extent of my ability to exist in the world may change from year to year or month to month but I AM and always will BE. I am confident, eager, caring, compassionate, giving, forgiving, worthwhile. I am a good listener, a good writer, a good friend. This is how I exist in the world. And I like that about myself. I know who I am. I have a lot to offer. I have a lot to give. I have a lot to contribute. The problem is I’m not offering, giving, or contributing to anyone or anything. And I think this is slowly killing me.
To DO. To move forward in the world. I have been focusing so much on my jobsearch that I have neglected to focus on anything else. And I need to do something else if for no other reason than I am trying to save my sanity. I know who I am but I have been neglecting myself in the process of trying to find a place for my skills to be useful. Slowly but surely I am realizing the importance of doing something right now, even if it’s not related to the end game. I was asked to be a part of a new communications committee at my church. We are charged with discussing ways to improve our communication as a church to current members and to the community so that we can grow. I volunteered to be the secretary for the committee. We are working on several projects and I kind of like it. I have recently been volunteering for an organization that is getting ready for their annual dinner and symposium event that is one of their largest fundraisers. I spent several hours last week and this week making phone calls and working on a powerpoint presentation. I got out of the house, I met some new people, I went to the central business district downtown, and I kind of liked it. Do you see the pattern?
All of my jobsearch woes aside, my biggest obstacle right now is that I feel stagnant. Not only externally and professionally stagnant, but personally and internally stagnant. I’m not going anywhere, I’m 27, single, living at home with the parents, sharing a bathroom with my brother, and I can’t see a definitive end to this cycle yet. BUT, I am partially to blame for feeling this way. My circumstances are crappy, but I’m not doing anything outside of those circumstances. I know who/how I AM, but knowing that and doing nothing with it is a disservice to myself. How can I continue to grow and learn if I don’t DO something to move forward? I could find a place to volunteer for a few hours a week. I could be more involved in Sunday School. I could read a book! I AM. I EXIST. Now it’s time for me to DO. It’s time for me to move forward within and for myself. Then, when the Universe finally gets the memo that I was serious when I sent out all of those resumes, I can jump right in, better, calmer, and more competent than I ever have been before.
My Friend, Stef 