Switching gears, I thought I’d talk about an interesting experience I’ve had over the last few Sundays. I was born and raised in the United Methodist Church. I have been in Sunday school, youth group, youth choir, I went to church camp, I worked in the church nursery from the time I was a teenager, I eat dinner at church on Wednesday nights to support the youth group, I have helped with Vacation Bible School, and now I am on the new Communications Committee. As with any young adult, my commitment has been dodgy at times. I have been trying to get involved again, but not for the conventional reasons that I assume people decide to go back to church. The fact is, recently I have been actively seeking out opportunities to be around people and to have engage in fellowship activities to make myself feel better. The last year in particular, mostly because of all of my jobsearch troubles, has been really rough for me. I have been down, lonely, and in need of good excuses to be around people so that I’m not by myself in my own head overanalyzing all of my difficulties. My parents are actively involved at our church and it was a logical decision to piggyback on them for opportunities to socialize with people. I go to their Sunday school class most Sunday mornings lately and I sit with them at dinner on Wednesday nights, not because I am trying to develop a new leg in my “faith journey,” (which is a phrase that I don’t understand, but that’s a whole different entry) but because I am tired of being alone. I am still trying to figure out how I feel about God, etc, but the truth is, people have become my religion. Church is a great place to interact with nice people (many of whom know my parents and have known me since I was a baby). Church is a good place to get a hug, a handshake, a smile, and that makes me feel better.
So, I have been trying to become involved, but I haven’t actually made an effort to sit in the congregation through an entire church service in a LONG time (literally years if you don’t count Christmas Eve services). I stopped in our contemporary service last Sunday to see the program that our new Black Light ministry put on. My mom has been working with some youth to choreograph sign language performances of worship songs where the performers wear white gloves and sign with black lights. It is pretty cool. Anyway, I was at the contemporary service just to watch this performance, which happened after the praise band sang a couple of songs. I was in the back of the sanctuary for maybe 10 minutes of the service and I was SO uncomfortable!! I was physically uncomfortable while the band was singing. I felt outwardly awkward. I didn’t know what to do, where to stand, I was uneasy about the idea of singing along. I was watching the praise band and the congregation get into the music, bob around a little bit, singing together (all of the things that I have always associated with attending church services), but I was completely turned off by the idea of doing those things myself. It was the weirdest feeling I have ever experienced.
This week I participated in a silly little skit during our more traditional service. It is a lot quieter, the church choir performs instead of the praise band, and to be honest it is attended by most of our older, more seasoned members. I have to admit that liked the traditional worship better. I was more comfortable, I didn’t feel awkward, there was a lot less movement during the hymns. It was nice to see all of the families and individuals dressed in their Sunday best, greeting each other, being friendly, and I was so much more at ease than I had been the week before. This got me thinking, What’s up with that? Typically my age group (or so I’m told) seeks out more active, engaging, dynamic services. So why was I so freaking afraid of it last Sunday?
I think it boils down several things for me personally (again, this could be a whole different entry so I’ll be brief). First, I have never been the churchiest person, and I am not comfortable living a completely outwardly Christian lifestyle. I got in the habit of going to church not because I chose to become a member and willingly “accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior,” but because that’s just how I was raised. I went because I always went, and really never thought about the implications making that commitment When I got older, when I had the choice, when I could drive myself (or not), I really wasn’t affected either way if I did or did not go to church. Second, like I said, people have become like my religion so I would MUCH rather have an interesting discussion about different subjects than sing hymns or read the bible. I am open to discussion about anything and everything. I would love to know what other people think about religion/the United Methodist Church, how others view their faith, how different faiths view things like heaven, worship, faithfulness etc. This may be because I realized that I do not have a concrete sense of what MY religious beliefs are. Maybe I don’t want to sing the hymns because I don’t necessarily wholly believe what they are saying for myself.
So Am I a Christian? Maybe? I was born and raised into the United Methodist Church, I was baptized as a baby, I got a bible in 3rd grade, I went through confirmation in 8th grade and became a member. I did this because at my church that’s just the way they do things. Was I “Saved?” No. Did I make a conscious decision on my own accord to attend church and to become a Christian? No. I go to church because I have always gone to church. I bring up these worship woes because it has really made me consider what I believe and what I don’t. That is still a HUGE work in progress, but as of today, my bottom line is I NEED my church to fill the pit that has developed after a rough year. I need to be around people who will lift me up, give me a hug, listen to my concerns and send good thoughts my way, I need to get out of the house and to interact with kind people who care about me. Regardless of the subject matter of the sermon, my personal struggles with my religious beliefs, my discomfort at the prospect of outwardly singing for the Lord, I go to church for the fellowship. I may not have a conventional relationship with my church, but it is a relationship that is important to me as I am trying to figure out my life and to grow as a person.
My Friend, Stef 